entrées

These are my diary entries posted here verbatim. It is from Sept-Dec '05, and I have no idea why I am beign such a...


Maturity sucks.
Regrets…. is such a pathetic, depressing word. When one works hard to not be able to have regrets and still…… *exhales*

Regret has everything to do with decision. You are given either way. The problem is, what would i be choosing?

What’s so confusing is when you have a very thin line between two decisions and you sacrifice sooooooo much if you choose either one… and the sacrifice on either side is both sooo great that it just breaks you down… I know that I have chosen the right direction… I have made the right decision… still, it doesn’t make the pain less real… less searing…
to turn left, there is contentment, there is joy, there is pleasure… for I have just come to terms with it lately. I have been able to accept what it has been shouting at my face for a long while… what has been so obvious that I’m just too afraid to come face to face with it, because it will make me vulnerable and weak… as I believed. However, it would be wrong. Eternally wrong. So I chose right, though it just breaks my heart so.
Just when I have opened the crack that will make me susceptible to pain, only to have it be rapidly torn apart… to be left raw… panting, grasping for life. Just barely holding on to what I have believed is right…
For faith just costs… too much. Much more than I think it would… much more than I think I would be able to give, to bear. But He who has promised me life, will be the one who will console me, comfort me. It’s just that, the sacrifice is soooo great. I really wouldn’t want to give it up. but, I have to.

so, what do I give up? where do I go? Do I want stay safe? Or do I embark on an adventure with just faith holding me? I chose life… and now, I’m just blubbering.

And what it makes this all worse is you don’t have anybody that you CAN tell it to…



Off the hook
When they say ignorance is bliss, it is. For wisdom costs much, it is safer to stay a fool sometime. For when you go past that line of ignorance, there is no turning back. I think it’s always better not knowing. However, the cost is much greater to stay in darkness when you have experienced light. Still, the light doesn’t come free, it comes with a sacrifice. Sacrifice of dying. And dying is never easy. It hurts. Deep, searing hurt. That stays with you, leaves a mark. And you just hold on to the faith that you have embraced for there is no turning back. Once you have given up ignorance, you cannot have it back. and it will hurt you more to pretend ignorance when you have known wisdom.



Krungthepmahanakhon………my wilderness.
A lot of people asked me why am I here? What am I doing and what will be doing here in Bangkok? Well, don’t worry, I’ve asked myself the same thing everyday of my life here in Bangkok, still, I got no answer, and the longer I stay here, the more frustrated I become. i am feeling like a failure more so nowadays than I have ever in my entire life… and I hate to fail. Yeah, I know… welcome to the real world. then again, God has brought me here, and He has plan for me. what I wouldn’t give to be able to see what He sees in me? I want to move on… and I do not know how.



maudlin
The Quarter-Life Crisis. I didn’t believe it…

…not until now. That is why I am being unbelievably sappy and self-pitying right now… I want out. However, out is not an option for me now… you know the feeling when you are in an impossible situation and it suddenly dawns on you that “Hey! I am just in a test-the-character-so-there-is-an-end-to-this situation!” Sad thing is you can’t seem to find how it will ever end? Still, you want out?

You’re already at the end of your rope, but you’re just starting? When you should be ready to take the world on but you feel stressed and worn-out? Is that the quarter-life crisis?



Failure.
Now why is that a four-letter word? Because it is what gets on my wick.

And I feel like a major failure at this moment that I want to go home and… *exhale*
I just remembered… now is not the best time to be home.

I am such a baby! Grrrrr………


Guillotine.
forget the heading. I am just trying to be weird.
Medically speaking, what happens to a drying wound that is made to bleed again? And again? And again? Will it ever dry up?



Corrosion.
That is what is happening to me… willingly. Left with no hope, as usual. Being maudlin, being pathetically sappy, being just me. AARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! When I am busy being frustrated on what the heck am I doing here in Bangkok when obviously this place is not just for me… and why do I have to be with ate all the time? Okay.. ai am just being a baby, as usual… I wish I would just fly away and die… thenagain, I am not too fond of heights.



Lethargic…
After exhausting half my life on pondering and thinking, this is what I have become. All the while, I have thought of how I should act, how I should be, believing what is inspired, transpires. Oh, my… I am soooo… wasted. I grew up to be so… empty… and selfish. Oh, scratch that… it should be self-absorbed. Sprinkle irresponsible on top. The only good thing about me… I am so willing to throw away, in a finger’s snap… in exchange of a few bruises that I deserve… okay. Nobody deserves to be beaten. Still, the only good thing in me… Jesus, I am willing to turn my back to… just so I could live off comfortably, however empty it might be. My, I am so…